LinkedIn sends me some SPAM: ‘Check out Bernie’s new job!’ It doesn’t say what the job is. It wants me to click. I can smell the desperation the way sharks follow blood.

Bernie is some kid I went to journalism skool with. Never really got along with him. He thought my drug and alcohol use in college was immature and I thought he was wasting his time trying to “expand his mind” by sucking up to everyone around him. My longterm girlfriend thru that period was good friends with him and she hinted that I should be more like Bernie. No wonder we broke up.

Bernie wasn’t exactly a bottom-feeding brown-noser, but that was the only potential I saw for him. Give him enough time… Still, back then Bernie had a much higher position at the school paper than me, assistant editor or something, but only because he was seen as “compliant,” but I didn’t resent him for it or anything because he wasn’t very good at it. Now this email from LinkedIn is bragging to me about Bernie’s many accomplishments.

Of course I click. Fuck you LinkedIn, for appealing to my base desires. Pride, greed, envy, selfishness. All these things are embedded beneath one stupid, desperate cry for attention from a motherfucking social media platform. And not even one of the good ones! Man, the future fucking sucks. We’re closer to pathetic, jealous computer operating systems than that Spike Jonze flick Her even realizes.

‘Please login to LinkedIn for the first time in eight months,’ the email begs. ‘Please make us relevant.’ I roll my eyes, but I do it anyway. Oh goodie. Silly Bernie has a job at the university. Silly Bernie’s picture looks like a stock photo. I can’t decide if that’s “professional” or just sad. In my photo, I have a five o’clock shadow and I’m hungover in some noodle café. Of course I’m judging Bernie. Gotta build my ego using some materials, even if it’s mud.

After this sterile, nubile photo, what’s the second thing I notice on LinkedIn? A form asking me to “endorse” Bernie by agreeing or disagreeing with the “skills” Bernie has listed on his CV. ‘Does Bernie have these skills or expertise in: WordPress, InDesign, Photography, Photoshop…?’

So now, after enticing me with insecurity and covetousness, LinkedIn is asking me to gossip. I click ‘no’ on everything, even though I’m positive Bernie knows how to use those systems. Probably better than me, actually. After all this sinning, I might as well get away with some lying. Fuck you, Bernie.

Troy Farah is an insecure jackass that hates social media. His website, which is often described as hideous, is troyfarah.com and he does that twitter thing where he ejaculates his drunk, stoned, fragemented thoughts into cyberspace. Gross.

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