La! Kah’lee Fla-ur! Withering disease of the end times! La!
Art by Alec Borchardt
I have done that which they warned against- I have opened the accursed tome they keep under lock and key at the University of Washington. It was stolen by a madman, the Hipster known only as… Chuck.
I found it in a shop down a crooked back alley during my nocturnal rambles through archaic Seattle. I offered the ancient and blind shopkeeper money for it, but he just laughed a horrible shrill laugh and bade me leave his moldering library.
I hurried home with the book, if book it can be called, locked the door, shut the blinds, and then… I opened it. Horrible screams of elder knowledge screeched forth and try as I might, I could not close it. Deafening, terrifying names belched for from the book in unknowable tongues; I can remember but a few for I fainted away within a minute.
SEI-TAN! TEM-PEH THE DARK! B’AKK’D TOFU, THE DEFILER!
When I awoke the book was lying on the kitchen counter, the oven turned on, an array of ingredients and tools of non-Euclidean dimensions spread across every available space. The smell coming forth from my oven was indescribable. It belched forth in visible spurts, assaulting my nose with scents that could only be described as…
The vegan cupcakes in the oven were pretty good, I couldn’t even tell that the gifts of the dairy god, Yog-Urt, were missing. I guess I am too deep in eldritch knowledge to turn back now; I shall make this delicious quinoa sushi for my next date.
Madman, pseudo-psychologist, and devil worshipper, Sebastian Stevenson is also a handsome Illyrian gentleman who wishes he hadn’t glimpsed eldritch horrors beyond the veil of sanity. That sucked.
More ‘deep’ thoughts from De’Lunula:
Eulogy For Your Internet Fame
Sir Charles Barkley Is The Tom Clancy of Basketball