Welcome to the Dept. of Misc. Review, Etc. This is where we review random things in a random format so we can pretend like our opinion matters. WTF did you think this column was about? Do people even read introductions to articles anymore? Are they all as smelly as you?
Sky Harbor Airport
I need to smoke a fucking cigarette RIGHT NOW but this fucking place doesn’t have a single fucking goddamn place to DO IT. It’s one of THOSE airports that think they’re being progressive by not having any smoking terminals — and not even selling smokeless tobacco products in their shitty overpriced singular convenience store in Terminal 4 — but really they’re just ENSLAVING us to their nicotine-free dictatorship! You might think I’m being dramatic, but obviously you haven’t been on a flight lately. TSA getting an eyefull of my no-no’s with their genital peepers REALLY stresses me the fuck out out, OK? And when I get stressed, I need to chomp on a Camel™ or whatever the kids are calling it these days, but not here. Once you’re thru the hellish pits of TSA, you are stuck in a cancer stick-free zone. Plus, Sky Harbor’s new sky train thing is a giant waste of money and it’s ugly. -M.T.
Who wasn’t into Legos as a kid? If you were like me, you had the shitty early games for like Windows 98 like Lego Island, even though your computer had like 2kb of RAM and never played the damn thing. I’m pretty sure the plot line of The Lego Adventure Book Volume 3 is like the same thing, i.e. ‘evil anarchist bastard escapes from eternal-dungeon-jail and wrecks everything in sight, and some innocent do-gooder fixes everything and hunts the criminal with help from sage builders.’ It has one of those endings where, like, well, I guess I shouldn’t ruin it.
Anyway, I don’t have Legos anymore, but this kinda makes me want to build stuff again. Some of the ideas in here are fun, but not to my taste (1600s Dutch houses, movie theaters, cars, pieces of food… who the fuck wants to build that? Well, here’s your guide.) but it’s still a little inspiring, I guess? I’m sure young-me would have read this book through and maybe pulled some ideas from it, but I don’t know if I would’ve cared too much then, either. -S.S.
VERDICT: 3/7 BRICKS
Holy shit guys, I mean, Pidgey. Talk about an underrated Pokémon. It was an evil pigeon. That bird is the man. The man bird. The… Birdman?? Nah, he wasn’t in that movie. I would totally battle with only pidgeys if I were a pokaman battler. Pidgeys. Fuck pidgeyoto. -S.S.
VERDICT: 10/10 PIDGEYS
The folks at Creativ kept sending me this magazine along with a card that said ‘please write about us.’ So I am. Not because I’m a slut, but because Creativ is pre-tay cool. Full-color photographs of weird things and nature stuff, mostly fluff pieces and cool art, so it’s lacking in the criticism/photojournalism department, but it’s very fun to flip through. Best of all: There are next to NO ADS. Not sure how they do it. They are also local (to me) with offices in Scottsdale. Cool. -T.F.
Backpacker’s Pantry Dark Chocolate Cheesecake
Ok, so, this is cheesecake in a bag. I dumped it in a bowl, and it was gray powder that I mixed with water. It tasted kind of chocolaty at first, but it had a weird aftertaste which reminded me of that time I spent all night smoking crack and licking PVC pipes. Speaking of crack, after a few spoonfuls it made my mouth hurt, like that one time I spent all night smoking crack and chewing on fiberglass. Might as well mix one cup of refined sugar with three crumbled Oreos and drink a glass of water with it. -A.D.
VERDICT: 2/7 CRACK ROCKS
More weird shit from de’Lunula:
Cthulhu Is My Fetish
Behold Arizona Artist Dean Chetwynd’s Apocalyptic Visions
Sir Charles Barkley Is The Tom Clancy of Basketball