Fuck this shit. (via)

Fuck this shit. (via)

Burn the Mona Lisa, save the jaypeg. Wait, let’s back it up a bit. I recently read an article about priceless museum pieces being destroyed by careless humans and decided to react to this with what could be the rough draft of the script for Unpopular Opinion: The Movie, but let me explain why King Tut would be put to better use as firewood.

When we hear the word ‘priceless,’ what do we think? If you’re a romantic, you think art, history, the precious moments in life. If you’re a good capitalist, you think “bullshit” and crack open your wallet. If you’re like me, on the other hand, the term ‘priceless’ angers you because people generally apply it to objects of various shapes and colors hoarded by idiots with warped priorities. A broken vase should never be the inspiration for tears unless it landed on your foot and this is something I hope to help curb here.

Vanity plays a big part in our daily lives, from the way we make ourselves up for work, to the vehicles that carry us around. All must be pristine, otherwise we’re slobs, animals, low-class schlubs unworthy of respect or decency, right? Even a child can see that isn’t realistic. So then why do we prioritize these superficial things while neglecting the people around us? Back to the point: if the six-foot metal chicken you bought for the yard is stolen by crackheads for scrap metal, get over it. Their lives are so shitty that they go around thieving faux garden fowl for drugs and besides, you didn’t really need that shit anyway.


Let’s say you got to the store, picked out that chicken, went to pay and the chicken had accidentally been priced incorrectly. You start to complain, demand the price be reduced to the advertised price. It’s all a big fuss over this thing you didn’t need, that isn’t yours but still feel entitled to. Is it worth it to be rude to the cashier and cause a scene? No, and that’s just cost you more than the difference in price to own that useless object. Certainly not what the artist would have wanted to inspire in fans of their work. Is anything tangible really that precious?

Museums serve as collections of things that are assumed too precious (mostly due to age) for individuals to own and be shared by all. Except that these relics aren’t too precious. They belong to the museum, and their age doesn’t naturally spike their value over people, so when a fool passes by and puts a cigarette out on Madonna’s child, he should only be banned from the museum with a small fine for the trouble, not thrown in prison or billed for the arbitrary ridiculously high appraised value of an old wall hanging. Maybe we oughta reconsider condemning Lazlo Toth, the dude famous for screaming “I am Jesus Christ! Risen from the dead!” before taking a hammer to Michelangelo’s Piéta.

Then there’s Hans-Joachim Bohlmann, a “serial vandal” famous for damaging $190 million dollars worth of ancient art in his lifetime. He might’ve been an asshole for setting fire to Banquet of the Amsterdam Civic Guard in Celebration of the Peace of Münster by Bartholomeus van der Helst, but I’ll bet you didn’t even know that art existed, you certainly aren’t missing it and at least Bohlmann didn’t set fire to an orphanage. Heck, maybe Bohlmann and Toth are just misunderstood. But it begs the question: what is really more valuable — human lives or old shit?

I’m an artist myself, responsible for at least 50 such wall hangings so far and may they all be used for toilet paper (should the need arise) before they ever inspire rudeness, greed and undue cruelty. In a world where bird food is money better spent than food for starving children, it’s time to wake up and cut that shit out.

Previously by Alec Borchardt:
Some Movie Ideas I’ve Had Lately

Alec Borchardt is an atheist, communist, idealist and a number of other ists. He sometimes laughs when you’re crying, but it doesn’t mean what you think. Look! He has a website. Go there and marvel at your feeble mortality.

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