Does this look like a fucking joke to you, Phil?
It is common knowledge that unless you work alone, someone is always out to get you, especially in the office. Whether they want your job, are jealous of your success, or are just plain deranged, there are a slew of clues that I will be teaching you how to identify in order to come out ahead. Here are some simple ways to keep on your toes about it.
— The first thing you have to look out for are people who don’t seem to care that you exist. They say hello, but don’t talk to you at length or ask you personal questions. These individuals are likely trying to hide a secret from you about a mistake you’ve made that they are keeping to use against you later.
— Placing chewing gum on the ear piece of your own phone will tag anyone who would attempt to use your phone to call in a bomb threat.
— If a threat is suspected, do not break eye contact. Stare at them until they sleep or leave. All day if you have to! A would-be attacker might try and blend in or even be nice to you, showing sincerity and goodwill. This is most often a ploy to gain your trust before leaving fiberglass powder in your lunch in the break room.
— This situation is easily avoided by presenting a strong sense of mistrust and suspicion when interacting with the sly devil. Say things like “I see you spend a lot of time in the bathroom. (However many) times today at least. Something you want to tell me?” or “I have a camera in my car and the doors are locked. So I know if it’s been tampered with.” This will let them know that you are on to them, but be aware: they will likely pretend they weren’t doing anything and be less likely to slip up in the future.
— At work, being that it is stored out of sight, your lunch might be subject to tampering. From the harmless teabag soup to the deadly bleach parfait, numerous things are probably being done to harm you with the things you trust. Well don’t worry! Villains are predictable and tend to use body language to send subliminal messages that you are in danger.
oh shi-
Sniffling or sneezing more than once means “I have blown my nose on your sandwich.” If a boss compliments the hard work of a coworker, they are saying “we have put crunched up Viagra in your thermos.” As a rule, pretty much anything out of the ordinary is a veiled message for you to interpret the first way that comes to you; this is always correct. Simply seal your containers with a wax emblem, watch for the tells, and relax.
— Failed to identify a crime against you? No problem. Booby trap your personal effects to catch a criminal red handed, delivering punishment without even being there. If an employee never misses a day at work, you know they will do anything to get there – especially steal your car. Worry not! Using a pair of pliers or a deep crack in a cement sidewalk, snap your car key off and place it in the ignition so that when he or she goes to steal the key, they can’t find it and promptly look for another victim.
Almost everyone is out to get you. It’s a fact. But you’re now wiser than they are and prepared for anything they sling at your face. So the next time you’re standing around outside on a smoke break worrying if some asshole is in there browsing porn on your computer or leaving tiny hairs on your monitor, rest easy knowing that yes, they are doing that, but they don’t know that you know.
Previously by Alec Borchardt:
There’s No Such Thing As Priceless Artifacts, or, Why Lazlo Toth Might Not Be The Anti-Christ
Some Movie Ideas I’ve Had Lately
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More ‘deep’ thoughts from De’Lunula:
My Life As A Corporate Shill Ain’t So Bad
Eulogy For Your Internet Fame
LinkedIn is as Jealous and Insecure as my Ex-Girlfriend.
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