Grabass can trace itself as a merry sport to the beginning of the reign of King Reginald the Third, of Uzbekistan, or, in more common parlance, the year 1602. There are many, many styles of play, though there are very few teams; it is more or less a solo sport, like golf or blumpkins. However, I need not tell you this, dear reader, as I know you are quite gentlemanly and understand well the history of ass-grabbery.

There are several great ass-grabbers alive today, and these great ones have taught many novice grabbers how to properly participate in this quite civilized sport. One common name these days is Bubba-the-underhanded-rump-rocker, an ass grabbing specialist from the Bronx. Though currently serving 10 years for grab-ass related manslaughter, Bubba is an old pro, who uses a very bare-bones version of the “softball pitch” style. This style involves the grabber leaning in an oblique fashion and winding up his good grabbing arm in a reverse windmill fashion. After several good cranks, he then slams his open hand upwards into the grabees buttocks, trying to burrow his fingers into the gluteal maximal crease of the unsuspecting grabee. As may be suspected, this maneuver requires a bit of finesse and raw strength, for if the accuracy is even a little bit off, or the speed of the winding of the arm a little too slow, then the ass grabber will not receive that satisfying fistful of rump.

If one is not directly behind one’s target, or one is unsure of his arm-strength, and feels leery, then one should utilize the special “reverse tiger grab” maneuver. In this maneuver, one places one’s arm in the position of a tiger ready to pounce, and winds it once round before reaching out for the ass. The key difference is that one swings from the side, and tries to slide his fingers into the gluteal maximal crevice, as a tiger would sink his claws into the flank of a wild forest deer, rather than the straight forward brute force approach of the tradtional softball pitch ass grab.

It is my sincerest hope that this knowledge will help you in your life long quest of assgrabbery.

With throbbing member,

S. Stevenson, Esq.

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